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How to Find and Keep Love

Hello and welcome back!

I’m shaking things up a bit. I’m continuing on with my mini series about finding love. You can apply the strategy’s to anything in your life not just love. I’m giving you a small peak at the book. This is the second part- dating. Yikes! Enjoy! And to those who want to read about organization and efficient habits… stay tuned!    

Step 2: How to pick ‘em

So you have a date, now what? Your goal is to continue demonstrating the person you described in your list and to find out if your date is compatible, although you’ll want to communicate in conversational tone versus an interrogation or interview. You’ll have to decide what questions will coincide with what is on your list. And you may just decide to ask their thoughts or beliefs on a particular subject that is important to you to get a feel for what their views are.

Be curious and listen without judging. It is tempting to hear only what you want to hear, or your itching to offer your opinion, but, for now, just listen and remain open and honest about their truth, give your brain a break. When they ask for your opinion you can freely give it and hopefully they’re listening and trusting your truth. Neither of you are right or wrong everyone’s experience is different therefore everyone’s belief, opinion, and perspective, is different. No matter how much evidence or feedback you have to prove your belief, view or opinion is the correct one don’t. By forcing, demanding or feeling anger toward another means you are in resistance to who they are and to what they are offering. As much as you don’t want someone pushing their beliefs on you don’t do it to others. It is better to accept their differences, and use the information you receive about them to decide if their views, attitude, and preferences are either something you can learn from, live with, or if they are so far out of alignment with you that your lives won’t mesh well. Choose to believe their truth whether you agree, understand or like it. It takes effort because it could stir up some fear or uncomfortable feelings within you. We all have a tendency to want the other to be the one because if they’re not, there could be an underlying limiting belief, there is something wrong with you. Plus if you accept them fully you may fear that you are wrong, instead of it just being a matter of differences with your interests, views, or preferences. The truth is your old limiting beliefs are running amok, understand the person may just not fit. Take for instance a pair of pants that are too big or too small either way they are too uncomfortable to wear, it is simply the wrong size pants for you. The bottom line is when someone doesn’t hold the same values as you it means you have just unearthed something you didn’t know about yourself prior to meeting this person. Don’t take it personally, instead look at it as trial and error you’re one step closer to knowing what and who does work for you. Be thankful you were able to recognize when it doesn’t work so you’re able to move along quickly to what does.

If you find yourself reasoning, justifying, excusing or explaining their answers or them, it means you are trying to make them fit somehow, someway into your belief system and ultimately your life. Remember, allowing someone who you can’t accept fully will only delay the right one from coming and will ultimately create struggle, stress and misery. The sooner you learn this the smoother your life will go. Although there are lessons to learn and people do bring them to light, especially an intimate partner, but if you followed step one in the book you are allowing those lessons to surface and hopefully you are successfully dealing with them. 

When anything in life is right for you there is a natural flow, you feel good, confident and at ease, you feel happy. When you feel anything other than those traits your true self is telling you, you are in resistance to what is. It is your navigational system within letting you know you are not accepting, instead you want something or someone to be different than what is. You can only pick and choose what you prefer when you are in control of it. If you don’t like driving down a bumpy road find a new route instead of spending your energy cursing the road. If there is no other route than all you can do is accept it and get on with living despite the bumpy road.

Peace ~Sandy

Copyright 2013 by Sandy Lucas

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How to Find and Keep Love

Hello and welcome back!

I’m continuing my mini series on, How to find and keep love. Today will be the second snippet of part one in my book, How to know what you do want. Enjoy!

The second crucial step is to continuously focus on what you want not the lack of it. For example, when you see a couple together say to yourself, “I am excited to have that in my life.” Combine your imagination with your thoughts to conjure the good feelings the scene provokes. If or when your thoughts turn negative don’t feed them instead put up an imaginary stop sign and tell yourself, “I’m alright where I am and it’s getting better.” This allows you to accept where you are and trust what you want is coming.

Another significant game changer is to mentally say every day upon awakening, “Today may be the day I find my lover.” This lessens any pressure you may have placed on yourself in the past. By believing that today just may be the day creates anticipation, spontaneity, curiosity and possibilities. It also changes your focus to what you do want, and allows you to be open to all the opportunities that come your way, instead of staying stuck in a repetitive pattern of, “I’m alone and it sucks.” True, it may suck, and it’s okay to acknowledge that it sucks, that’s how we figure out our preferences, but it changes nothing by living in Suckville. If you’re truly committed to finding love you need to shed the habit of complaining and step into the habit of expecting him/her to show up. Put your attention and focus on preparing for a relationship instead of using it as an excuse to get out of living. And the very reason I have you starting the courtship first and being the person you seek. In reality, he or she is already here and once you believe in their existence your special someone will appear. Are you ready?

Peace ~Sandy

Copyright 2013 by Sandy Lucas

 


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How to Find and Keep Love!

Hello and welcome back!

I am starting a new mini-series. I wrote a book and decided to condense the chapters, give you a small sampling, of what I wrote (FREE). I am sharing what I learned about love. Although this focus is on an intimate relationship, “How to Find and Keep Love”, like everything I write, these strategy’s and suggestions can be applied to all areas of your life. I hope you enjoy it! With that said… Have no fear, I will be back to focus, once again, on organization and living with efficient habits quicker than you can finish your to-do list! 

I found love later in life, age 49, and wanted to share what I did with anyone seeking love, whatever your age. The one major lesson I learned; you can’t change your situation without changing yourself or your approach. The following is what worked for me.   

The first thing is to write a list of at least ten must have’s you want in an intimate partner. If you’re at a loss, write out what you absolutely know you don’t want and figure out the opposite. Once you have your list, set out to be that person. That’s right you go first, you start the courtship. Like I said you have to change yourself or your approach to have something different. 

In your list, don’t pick something you can do for yourself, such as make you happy. It is unfair to give another the responsibility to change you or your moods. What you do want, however is a relationship that is compatible to your life style. Let’s say you want someone with a fit, trim and healthy, body, but you are sedentary and prefer the local burger joint to the gym.  This may not be the best combination. Or let’s say you are more of the homebody type, but you put on your list a socially active person. Be honest and ask yourself if you’re looking for someone to pull you out of your rut. Influence is very different than change. You may already be with someone who decides to get fit and that may influence you to get healthy yourself, but it isn’t the reason you got in the relationship. It would be better if you tried  something new or different before you assign it to a future partner. Sometimes we romanticize about something foreign to what we are familiar with, and sometimes there is a reason we haven’t pursued it. Set yourself up for success leave the fantasy behind and focus on what you are actually willing to participate in and what clicks with you today.  Also, by getting clear on your top preferences you avoid settling on a sort-of-maybe-kind-of match.  

If you want someone with a good sense of humor find ways to laugh every day. If you want a family oriented person, spend time with family or visit places where families frequent. If you want a healthy and fit person, get yourself on a healthy regimen. If you want a partner with an adventurous spirit start creating and fulfilling escapades now. Perhaps you want someone financially independent, are you? Maybe you want a partner who is confident, go tackle some of your fears and watch your confidence level soar. If you want romance, light a candle every night, listen to Barry White, buy a bouquet of flowers, indulge in a luxurious bath and read romance novels. Or linger over Love cards at the store and picture yourself feeling that way toward your partner. Remember, you need to change yourself or your approach to transform your situation from what you don’t want to what you do. Now, go tackle that list!

Peace ~Sandy

Copyright 2013 by Sandy Lucas


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Permission to be imperfect

Hello, my name is Sandy and I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Sometimes I need permission to be okay with being me, the good and, well, all the imperfect stuff that makes me me! I wanted to connect the dots about perfectionism in an imperfect world. So, this week I set out to get some answers, and, yes, I gave myself permission to get it done imperfectly. Through casual conversations I’ve heard from different sources, that there are two major needs in life; a sense of belonging and to be loved. Maybe that is why I do the things I do, to belong and be loved, but wait, I am loved by some terrific people. 

A dear friend suggested it may have started when we were in tribes, if you weren’t secure or of value within your tribe your survival was at risk. That makes sense, however today I can be so disconnected from my “tribe” between home deliveries, automated drive-up and the digital world I can survive alone. Although, I wouldn’t want to and I do make a conscious effort to connect and engage with others, truth be told, I have noticed how unaware people have gotten. 

Lately, there also appears to be a media frenzy about separating the “good” and the “bad”., The scary part, to me, is that so many people are falling for this manipulation, indulging the monster by feeding it which is giving it more and more power. Judgments about everything is rampant and creating a world that is not friendly instead it is tearing people apart. I remember a time when journalists delivered the news and remained neutral. Today everyone has an opinion, unfortunately most are not positive, and the worse part about judgments is the hatred it creates.

Did you know there would be no reason to forgive if we quit judging ourselves and one another? What if we cut ourselves slack, knowing we’re doing our best and we did the same for others. We could change the saying; To err is human to forgive divine, to, To err is human to accept divine.  Oh glory be!  

True, there is tragedy in the world and upsets in our lives, but if we grieved earnestly by accepting the loss or change versus blaming or judging we would be able to figure out quickly how to move forward. What if we knew for every misery or negative feeling we have it is because we want something or someone to be different. Just knowing, we aren’t in acceptance and that’s okay, relieves some pressure and keeps us responsible for ourselves.   

When I am in balance with life, meaning I’m headed in a positive right-for-me direction I feel less struggle, more at ease and in control. Sometimes I don’t have an answer to why things happen the way they do. Instead of harping on the why I soothe myself with a pep-talk, I know it will work itself out, or things will get better, this allows me to see, or at least know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and continue on.

So, if it is a sense of belonging that created this perfectionist attitude how can I secure my place among my tribe? How can I be of value? What can I offer? I know!!! <place light bulb here>  I could embrace mine and others imperfections! Accept others for who they are even when I don’t understand or agree with them. Acceptance doesn’t mean I like you it means I see you, and with that information I decide if I want to belong with you.  For all of you who read this ~ I accept you completely and I give you permission to be beautifully imperfect! Enjoy the ride folks as it will come to an end.

~Sandy