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My take on boundaries

Hello & welcome back!

I recently read an article on boundaries which I didn’t agree with, but felt with the holidays upon us it was a timely topic.

I don’t necessarily believe in boundaries and I’ll tell you why. As I tried to implement them into my life a while back I felt a sense of defensiveness, on guard, and as though I was creating a separateness from those I loved and cared about. Even people I had to be around on a regular basis I wanted to learn cooperation and enjoy a peaceful existence not have more rules to follow. I knew my true nature sought love and connections and boundaries weren’t going to get me there.

Every time I accept someone or a situation I know instinctively and immediately what to do and how to handle it. I want to be clear acceptance doesn’t mean you love, agree or understand; it means you see clearly what is in front of you without attaching a story to it. Acceptance is factual not judgmental. When you feel negative emotions it means you have made it about you and created a story.

Boundaries hold others responsible for how you feel and keeps you in resistance, wanting, wishing, or demanding someone or something be different than what is. Boundaries say the situation or person is unacceptable, I want you or it to change so I can feel better, but that isn’t how life works. It is arrogant to want another to change to appease you, even if you feel you are being abused. It is better to accept a person as is and if it is so awful accept it and decide what to do about it, instead of continually forcing change or hoping for it, get the heck out of there. When you are able to accept fully you will have no emotional attachment, so if you do leave a relationship you will feel neutral. In other words you can’t accept and still be pissed off. True acceptance doesn’t include emotions, good or bad, as a matter of fact it is drama free and the complete opposite of boundaries and resistance.

Your emotional turmoil stems from conditions you place on people and things you have no control over. It means you have attached an emotional story that has decided another has to behave a specific way for you to be happy, but with acceptance you can be happy regardless of how another behaves. When we take responsibility for our feelings we know no matter what happens, no matter how anyone is, we will be just fine, no lightening bolt will strike. 

When we tie others behavior into how it will make us look or feel, we are taking it personal and have assigned negative meaning to it. Even if you feel embarrassed it is better to accept your embarrassment then continue resisting the person or situation. By accepting another doesn’t mean they get to walk all over you nor does it excuse their behavior, but through acceptance you will know exactly how to handle or deal with the person or situation without getting emotionally invested. You will act or not, either way your actions will come from a grounded place. 

The article went on to suggest you approach the person you set boundaries with in a loving and caring manner. I believe the most loving and caring thing you could do, for anyone including yourself, is accept the person as they are opposed to trying to mold them to be how or who you want them to be. Even if you believe it is in their best interest, just accept where they are. It is your illusion, made up story, or fantasy. Boundaries are conditions placed on relationships and I also consider it a backward concept. The concept states you have to be a specific way in order for me to accept you, love you, or be happy with you. In reality acceptance comes first, people or situations show up, you accept it as is, and then you decide what, if anything, to do.

Life is about free will to choose what is best for you. Anything undesirable or that effects you negatively you can either influence change or leave. After all rain is just rain it isn’t personal, yet our thoughts make it so by assigning positive or negative meaning to it.

Practice acceptance by choosing a person you are having difficulty with and write down exactly who they are by using fact based words only, not emotional words or stories. When I did this I drew a stick figure and wrote the traits around the drawing. Record all their traits, don’t judge the traits as right or wrong, good or bad. This isn’t about picking the person apart, but a way to just see them without emotions getting in the way. After you complete the list look at it as though it were the real person. Accept this is who they are, understand they can’t or won’t change, at least not in this moment and maybe never, decide right now what are you going to do about it. How can you guarantee, if you decide to be in their presence again, to keep your emotional well-being in tact, how can you remain feeling good? Your life is your process, it is about how you are going to show up in it, your life or happiness is not determined by how others show up.  

Have a very happy and safe holiday! Much peace and love ~ Sandy

Copyright 2013 by Sandy Lucas

 


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Stepping stones to your desires

Hello & welcome back!

Here is a step-by-step approach to have what you desire. It may be a tad different from the law of attraction, I don’t know. What I do know is I found what works for me time & time again & I am sharing it with you. Each step is crucial to your success. Enjoy & may all your desires come true!

Step 1: Name what you desire. Ask yourself if you believe it is possible, & be honest. You must believe to receive. If at first you don’t believe it, it doesn’t mean you’ll never get there, just keep naming it in a way until you find the one you do believe is possible. For example; if your desire is a million bucks & you don’t believe it (for now) keep going down to the amount you believe is possible for you. The final, & perhaps the most crucial part to step 1, is to TRUST it will show up, & that you will be shown the way, while you release the outcome & the timetable. It may show up differently than you imagined, but if you hold tightly to HOW you want it to show up or when you could be missing some vital components. I often say, “whatever happens happens.” When you state your desire, & you trust whatever happens will be for your highest good you allow whatever needs to come through to come through. It may be the need for another lesson, but if you hold onto the belief that you will figure it out, & continue trusting (as long as you know it is possible) it will come. Acceptance & trust are the keys to allowing life to flow freely. Even when there doesn’t seem like much hope, accept that there is a lesson to learn & trust you ‘ll learn it, just keep trusting. 

*Suggestions- 1. To build confidence within yourself it may be best to start out with a small desire, although, as long as you believe it is possible you can go big as well. 2. There is no need to discuss this with anyone, so don’t bother.

Step 2: What are you willing to do to help this desire come to fruition? This doesn’t have to be a plan in strategy or goal form, but it could if that works for you, I do not. I do, however, keep a journal, a record of all the desires I have & how they come about. Action steps can be as simple as ‘I’ll figure it out as I go”, to “as motivation or inspiration comes through I am willing to act on it.” The important message I am relaying here is, whatever you agree to do, do it continuously & consistently. Even if the action you agreed to was “I’ll figure it out as I go” continually trust you’ll figure it out & when you get a knowing of what action to take, take it every time. By trusting an answer or inspiration will come lets your instincts lead you. This isn’t about getting into a dialogue with your thoughts. You ask a question & whatever immediately or eventually pops into your knowing that is your true self leading you, pay attention & heed what it tells you. The difference between ego & your true self is vital to grasp. Instincts come as a knowing opposed to actual words, but because you understand through words you will transcribe the knowing into a word or two. Be clear it is definitely not a dialogue in your head. Your intuition is also neutral, if you follow it great if not it trusts you’ll eventually get it. The ego, on the other hand, is emotional, “If you do this you could die!” & dramatic, because it is in survival mode all the time. Get to know the difference if you want your desire to enter your experience. 

A side note – I have often had a desire & have had to wait for inspiration, motivation or an answer, but I trusted it would come in the time that was best for me, I do not give up, & eventually it arrives. Be aware the ego may use frustration or desperation, at this point, to tempt you with self-doubt, or prove the opposite of what you desire, but if you just keep trusting knowing an answer or motivation will show up, it will. 

Step 3: Trust it will be brought to you in a way that is best for you, accept how it shows up. Release & let go of a specific outcome. 

A simple example: A family member requested a specific gift for the holiday. My desire was to get it for her. I checked the Sunday flyers & saw it on sale, for the exact amount I had in the budget, but due to my schedule I could only go on the last day of the sale. I knew it was possible to purchase one so I looked at the picture in the flyer daily & mentally said, “I want you.” I trusted, if it was meant to be it would be, if they were sold out I trusted I would figure out what to do about it. When you accept anything in your life answers automatically come. I instantly knew, for example, I could get a rain check & a gift card for the amount. It is when you get caught up in the drama the ego likes to suck you into, you stay stuck in “why me?” or “poor me” , the victim mentality which offers no answers. When I got to the store on Saturday night there was one left! Oh boy, did I celebrate!  

A more extreme example: We had rented out an unused bedroom to someone we didn’t know. The extra money was our desire not the character of the person who would live in our home. He ended up being an adult bully. So, now my desire was to get him out, I knew it was possible, & I knew my instincts would lead me to the action I would need to take. A flash came into view of installing a camera in the common area of our home, we followed my instincts & this proved to mellow the renter out a bit. Both our instincts told us to keep our distance & not give into any of his demands. We adhered to that. My fiancee envisioned going to seek counsel at the courthouse, we followed his instincts, & a court hearing was scheduled. As we drove to the court house a few days later I let go of the outcome & mentally said, “Whatever happens happens. If there are more lessons to learn then so be it I trust we can handle it.” This brought a sense of peace during a time where I could have been very stressed. The mediator assigned to our case was astonished that the judge ordered him out that day! He stated, “You got off lucky. I’ve never seen a case where the landlord got rid of a tenant so quickly & easily, it usually takes months.” We celebrated!

Another example: Both my fiancee & I are finishing up writing books while holding outside jobs. My guy has a week long holiday break at his work & his desire is to complete his book during this time. My desire is also to devote more time to finishing my book so I can get it published by the first of the year. I decided assigning a more demanding writing schedule at this time may not be the answer, but I trusted & accepted an answer would come. I ended up having a knowing it would work itself out & went on with my day. The day after our discussion about the books I went to work & found out the owner has decided to shut the store I manage down for almost two weeks!  And if that wasn’t a big enough desire (quickly) fulfilled I received a bonus, he is giving me full pay! Now it is up to me to show up & do the work I agreed to in step 2. If you get out of the way, trust & allow the Universe to do its magic you too can have your desires, big & small, come to fruition! 

Step 4: Thank the Universe by being of value to another & celebrate all your desires through laughter & enjoyment. Giving back to life or the Universe is just as important as being grateful for all you have, because giving back to people will help humanity as a whole. Nothing will please the Universe more than having us all cooperate with on another! Be the change you want to see in the world & watch your world change! And if you can do it all while laughing & enjoying yourself you have the formula for a beautiful life! 

I have 3 stories, events that happened to me, that when I revisit in my mind elicit hardy laughter, I mean pee your pants laughter! Do you have any of those? These are funnies I refer to often, especially when my mind is idle, when I am doing a mindless task, to avoid unnecessary ego chatter. I also created a collage of people smiling, I’m talking big huge smiles & people you can tell are laughing, that is situated by the desk. Just like yawning when you see someone yawn, seeing others smile makes me smile & when I am smiling I am feeling good. It invites positive thoughts too.

Being of value to another may be holding a door, picking up a pair of socks, baking a sweet treat for someone, sending a card, giving a massage or hug, or sending a nice donation to a charity. Whatever you deem as helping or being of value to another. I ask daily, “show me how I can be of value today.” This is far from people pleasing, because when you are purposely doing it to help another, you expect nothing in return, not even a “thank-you” for holding the door. This also isn’t about what people can do for you, but what you can  do to make another’s life a tad easier today & feeling good that you were able to help.

I wish all your desires become fulfilled!

~Sandy

Copyright 2013 by Sandy Lucas


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How to survive the holidays

Hello & welcome back!

Do you curse the darkness because you can’t see or do you accept that it is too dark to see and turn on a light? Do you sit on the side of the road when your gas gauge is on “E” crying, “why does the gas always do this to me?” Or do you accept you need gas, pull into a station & fill up your tank? When something is spilled do recognize the mess and mop it up, or do you have a tantrum & then tend to it? Do you stop Christmas because you never got a tree or do you promise to start earlier next year & have a good time now? 

Stress is a year round problem, yet it is at its peak this time of year. The examples above shows us when we accept a situation as is solutions or answers come and what action needs to be taken is evident. What gets us into trouble is when we make it personal, as is also shown in the above examples, but this just recycles our pain creating more stress.  Our thoughts about it being dark, out of gas, the spill, or being tree-less is what causes stress not the actual event. 

Let’s say, for example sake, you take a date to a holiday party when you notice your date is talking to someone you can’t stand. Your date is bored and hoping you’ll show up and rescue them. You’re in the corner berating yourself making up a story on how your date likes the other person better and will probably marry (true, that is how dramatic & ridiculous the ego makes things). Your date is thinking they are getting no attention from you and just want to go home. The two of you get in the car and as far as you both are concerned there will not be a second date. 

Our story’s are created by the ego. The ego runs thoughts in your head that prove what it *thinks* it knows negatively about you. When you question these thoughts opposed to believing them you free yourself. In the above scenario, if you looked for your date & instead of creating a story you accepted she was talking to someone this would give you a host of options, and without a story it wouldn’t be about you. If a child has an accident, yes it sucks that you must stop what you were doing to attend to the mess, but it is not a catastrophe unless you make it one.  

The other night my fiancee turned his back toward me during a concert. My thought was, or the story I told myself, I wasn’t good enough for his attention. Whoa, oh enlightened one. I made the odd seating configuration about me! Talk about a stretch, but, I admit  there was alcohol involved.  My ego was taking his action to prove I wasn’t worthy of his attention. Once, I got a grip & realized his action wasn’t about me & that the meaning I assigned to his action was a complete lie, I freed myself from an unnecessary argument about something neither of us had control over or hurt feelings between us. It didn’t mean the seating arrangement didn’t suck, but instead of making his action about me I kept the focus on what the real problem was & a mental note not to pick these seats again. The next morning my guy made a comment on how weird the seating placement was. I nodded & agreed with a smile.

The point is when you create stories and make anything about you, you will suffer & create stress. When you get out of your story solutions come & you will know what action to take, if any. The best advice I could give you, & it is fitting this time of year, give your ego assignments, jobs to complete. The more tasks you give your ego to do the less time it has to make up stories. Have you ever notice as you are checking things off your to-do list you are less in your head & more action oriented? The ego loves to accomplish things. That is because the ego is best suited in that position. 

I wish you joy & peace! ~Sandy 

Copyright 2013 by Sandy Lucas