Hello and welcome back!
This is the third and final part to the book, “How to Find and Keep Love“, by Sandy Lucas. Enjoy!
Step 3: Keep the love going
Once you found your special someone and you are ready to take it to the next level or if you are in a committed relationship I share with you what I found that has kept our relationship fulfilling, happy and loving. Even if you don’t get your partner on board with my suggestions, what I found, if you do it anyway and there is a benefit to you and your relationship you’ll usually find they will want what you’re having! Plus it isn’t about changing another or making them be or act a specific way to make you feel comfortable or happy, it is about YOU being in charge of your happiness.
1. Don’t stop holding hands, kissing, or being attractive. Just because you found them doesn’t mean you are free to take these areas for granted. Continue to make the effort, you both deserve it and are worth it.
2. Don’t point out their weaknesses, focus on their positive qualities. Yes, this takes effort, but it’s SO worth it, I promise. In the beginning you are blind to any flaws, they can’t do any wrong, but as you fall into a routine and time goes by little things may begin to irk you. Stop. What if this person is going to do this thing that irks you forever, can you live with it? If not, I suggest you move on. If you think they will change, you’re wrong, wrong, wrong. I repeat you’re wrong. It isn’t that change can’t or won’t happen, the point is it is not up to you to decide what they should change and when they should do it. Respect yourself and the other person by not second guessing your annoyance. It is extremely difficult to love a fault finder and it is no picnic for the one who is bothered either. If, you can accept them because their positive qualities over shadow any irritating minor habits continue to focus on what they’re doing right. Remember, there are many ways of doing things, if you don’t like how someone is doing something certainly talk about it once if it is troublesome, but otherwise don’t sweat the small stuff and above all, don’t take any thing personally in the first place.
3. Don’t stop having fun together. Find ways to surprise each other, keep it spontaneous and amusing. It doesn’t have to be over the top or expensive it can be simple and still meaningful. It’s about being excited and celebrating your togetherness. Getting stuck in a rut is one way to slowly kill a relationship.
4. Don’t call each other negative names such as jerk, bastard or bitch or use labels such as stubborn or controlling. If it escalates to that point respect the relationship by calling a time out. Don’t gossip, complain, or talk negatively to others about problems you experience with your partner either. If you can’t work it out together then bring in an unbiased professional only.
5. Support each other in your individual hobbies or interests. Rally and cheer each other on versus seeing your partners interests as a threat.
6. Make choices based on acceptance. You don’t have to love everything, but if you can accept what is you’ll hit a home run. Judgments or pointing out, what you consider, a persons faults or mistakes are a quick way to kill a relationship. To stop unnecessary judgments know your partner is doing their best even if you don’t agree, understand or like it. Accept that your partner is doing his/her best, that they can’t do any different. If they knew better, they’d do better. This goes for you too, know you are doing your best. By knowing this truth allows you to cut each other slack, it eases your emotions and halts criticism. And don’t make mental deals that when they are a specific way you’ll accept them fully. By wishing or demanding your partner change you hold the relationship together with strings which have a tendency to break and fall apart, instead accept with your whole heart knowing you are each enough as is. Become aware when you want someone to change it is because you either fear it will effect you negatively or you feel it will benefit or enhance you positively. Both of these views, however will cause you disappointment every single time, because you’re putting your faith in someone you have no control over. When you feel this way simply interpret it to mean you want something to be different than what it is. And that’s okay, it benefits you to acknowledge your preferences, it allows you to improve yourself knowing what you want and what you don’t. By taking responsibility for your inability to accept, instead of trying to change someone to be different for your sake, will actually hold you accountable for your life. In other words, your focus shifts from the other and what you want to be different back to you and what you can control.
7. Speak openly and honestly about your needs. If you’re not sure, decide what it is you don’t want and figure out the opposite. I also highly recommend the book, “The Five Love Languages.” By Gary Chapman. It is an insightful little book.
8. Ask, listen and trust. Your intimate partner sees the real you and may have pertinent information you could use to improve yourself or release a challenging situation. Sometimes we get stuck in limiting habits and don’t realize we are doing something that isn’t to our benefit. You know those times when you keep doing the same thing and expect different results? The difference from a judgement is this is asked for advice, from the one person that wants the best for you, because it benefits them for the true you to emerge. I won’t lie my initial reaction was to feel an inner ouch upon hearing my partners perspective. As I kept at it, taking in what is said without reacting to it, allowed me to see my ego at the helm. I was then able to clearly see how the ego creates misery. This allowed me to awaken to stuff that truly didn’t and doesn’t matter. I was able to become free due to my partners support.
9. Stop trying to control the uncontrollable. And for goodness sake, stop trying to be right. Instead, I suggest you call a truce and continue building a loving bond. Or, if you insist, fight your point, strengthen your ego and become separate from your partner. If you choose to call a truce the key to stopping yourself is to do one or all of the following; put your focus on your breath, put your attention on an object, or feel the aliveness and the energy in your body. Soothe yourself by mentally saying, “This too shall pass” and believe it will. Then take a nap, a bath, or if the energy is still there go wash the car.
10. Whatever you did to woo him/her keep doing it. Make celebrations, special dates not just when you’re headed to an event together, but when it is just the two of you. You may feel silly or anxious at first, but remember it is okay to be vulnerable that’s what makes you adorable to each other.
I wish you all the best!
Copyright 2013 By Sandy Lucas